Tick Bites Don't Turn Green

Don't you hate it when you take your kid to urgent care, only to find out that massive bruise surrounding her tick bite is actually faded green dry erase marker?

What? You don't let your toddler color on herself? Congrats, you are a better mom than me!

But if your child does sneak off and quietly rubs up against a dry erase board, or draws stripes on her arms with black sharpie, declaring herself a zebra, then I have some tips for you to avoid my mom fail.

1. Before heading off to the doctor, try rubbing alcohol to see if it takes some color off.

2. If you still can't tell whether or not the colored area is a bruise or interpretive art, press on the skin. If it's a bruise, it should turn white momentarily like a sunburn.

3. If you do ever find yourself at urgent care checking on the severity of your child's "bluish tint" (as noted on my discharge papers), know that you are not alone. It has happened once before.

Happy Tuesday.

Just a Dog Trying to Knit

I once knitted half a scarf. Maybe someday she and I will learn together.

Happy Hump Day.

Happy Mother's Day

As Ricky, an elderly ex-con turned fellow short-order cook, used to say:

I'm feeling much love!

Not quite we'll-help-you-do-yard-work love, but definitely tear-jerking-hand-written-card love. (Not to brag, (totally bragging), but one of those cards mentioned a certain superstar quality.)

Happy Mother's Day. We are all our children's superstars! Even shitty moms like me! Give yourself the gift of putting yourself first this weekend and throughout the year.

The Admirable Mr. Stefan

Peter A. Stefan, owner of Graham Putnam & Mahoney Funeral Parlors in Worcester, MA, is holding the body of terrorist Tamerlan Tsarnaev. A body no one wants to claim and others threaten to ...

Wait. What can you do to a dead body that no one wants? Nothing. The fact that no one will claim this body speaks volumes; and, I would guess, is the ultimate insult to a human's life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not harboring pity for this terrorist who stripped innocent people of their lives or livelihood - children from their parents - to protest the very country who helped pay his rent.

I'm just saying, I admire Mr. Stefan for standing up against the offended, the finger-pointing politicians, and the Russians. He rolled up his sleeves and took care of business that nobody else would touch.

We get so wrapped up in image, branding and grand gestures, we sometimes forget to simply be decent and get shit done.

Doggy-Prozac (My Ass!)

As if the daily grind wasn't depressing enough, I spent my life savings ($411) at the vet on Friday.

I mentioned to the Vet that my older dog has been acting strange whenever we leave for the day: you know, panting, shaking, destroying drywall. The Vet said this is separation anxiety.

And before she would consider prescribing doggy-Prozac, or Paxil (not sure how she decides which one); she would like me to first try making some environmental changes. These include:

1. Lavender aromatherapy
2. Soothing music
3. An acupressure vest, and
4. A collar that gives off mommy dog pheromones

I'll be trying all of these recommendations. On myself. (*opens bottle of red, slips on vest and collar*)

There is no shame in doggy-Prozac. There shouldn't be shame in people-Prozac, either.

Have a happy week!